Kay. So I went out with some of my guy friends tonight. I did some interesting stuff. I jumped out a window into a pool, had a food fight at the mall, played on some random train tracks, and laughed my ass off when James got a ticket for trying to race a cop.

I only left after the boys brought out the booze. Thanks for the 3 mile walk. You guys are awesome.

But, It was fun. I had fun. It was something I needed.I have to tell you though doing all that stuff with bruised ribs and a sprained wrist, not the greatest of ideas. Whatever though. Totally worth it.

I have been in a kind of funk the last few days and I didn’t really know if I should talk about it or ignore it like I do every other feeling I ever have. But running around and getting out of the house helped some. I know the feeling is still there and most likely it will stay there until I go off and do something extreme. But for now, I’m okay.

But after I left the boys and their booze to walk home, I had time to think. I thought about my friends, my home life, and mainly why I’ve screwed up a few of my recent friendships. What I did to make that happen and how from experience, I know that it’s already too late to fix it. I’ve been beating myself up a lot over it. Even though I know it was a pity friendship in the first place and that I was the backup friend. But, hey what are you gonna do right?

I don’t really know how this went from awesome to depressing in 1.3 seconds. Sorry for anyone who bothers to read this. I start on one topic then somehow end up on another. It’s a thing.

There has been so much on my mind. It hurts. I’m starting to get frequent headaches it hurts so much. I want to let it all out. But I have nobody to tell it to without someone getting hurt or offended in the process. That’s not what I want. I’m so tired of hurting people I might just stop talking altogether. Though people rarely want to talk to me so what would be the point.

I’m sorry. So sorry. 

Oh well.

C’est la vie

Can you tell when I lie…..

The only comfort thing that seems to be able to comfort me is my knife. But hey, it’s been there with me through everything. Why would it give up on me now?

I feel like shit today. I don’t even know why, hell I don’t even fucking care. Though I keep staring at my knife.  So, lets see where the rest of the day takes us.

I feel like things are awkward between us now. Like we can’t even hold a real conversation. This really sucks, cause I really like being friends with you. Why is it so damn awkward? I just can’t…..

You know what’s odd? I had a semi-good day today but I still feel like shit. I went out with a friend. We hung out and had a nice chat. But I STILL feel like shit. I played with my little sister a bit and had some laughs. So what gives? Me. There is no actual physical way for me to not feel like this. Now that I’m sitting here writing this and I’ve thought about it for a few minutes, I know why. The last two days all I felt inside was this sinking feeling and it hurts. It’s pain. It’s not fair. But you know what? I’m going to get past this. Whether it’s with someone by my side or alone. I’m going to get past this. I’m going to be happy one day. Genuinely happy. I will not let myself be broken and depressed forever. I will be stable again. If not today, than tomorrow. If it takes a year or three years, so be it. I will get past it. Even if it means losing everything and everyone I care about in the process. I can’t be like this anymore. I’ve already lost the ones most important. All that’s left is to fix it. Fix myself, and hope that’s enough. Ready. Set. Time for me to go.

and I need you.

I would smother myself with a pillow

I want to cry. But I can’t. It’s wrong.

I want to just sit here and cry and just let everything I’ve been holding inside me for the past few years out. But I can’t. I have to stay strong and hold everything in.

I’m out.